A birthday, a race, and a holiday

I know it's only been a few weeks since my last post, but I need to get a more uplifting entry on the home page. I want to start this one with a huge THANK YOU. I have felt such an outpouring of love and concern from everyone. It really has helped us get through this difficult time. We are doing better. Each day I feel a little stronger and life is getting back to normal.

Since I still get out of breath just carrying the laundry basket up the stairs, it's a good thing I hadn't signed up to participate in the triathlon with Barr last Saturday at Miami University. I have been able to go with him the previous 2 years but this time he went solo. I'm not sure if he'll write a post about the particulars, but I'll brag for him and let you know that he placed first in his age group! Out of 640 participants, he was 24th overall. He has obviously gotten the hang of the transitions, has better equipment, and the daily training for a year has helped. After offering my congratulations, I honestly told him I was a little sad he was becoming so expert at these races because I know that just means he's hooked now for good. He was in Florida the week before the race for an HR conference. To keep up with his swimming schedule, he found a public pool close by and during the lunch breaks would go swim for an hour. Now that's commitment (or maybe craziness as I would much prefer to actually relax and eat lunch during a lunch break!).

Speaking of eating, it is obvious that I am now the mother of a 12-year-old boy. No more kids meals or thinking 1 large pizza is enough! Just this morning Ben said he needs new gym shoes, again. I don't like this phase of buying new shoes and pants way before they have time to get worn out. He is constantly asking to measure how much more he needs to grow to pass me in height and actually, he's almost there. It's still a little strange for me to believe that I have to listen to "youth" announcements in church now. It is exciting to watch him pass the sacrament, do baptisms at the temple, and go home teaching with Barr. He was pretty nervous about all of those things, but is getting more comfortable with experience. He still always wants to get to church early enough so that he can request the sacrament route #7 which is just passing to the side pews because all the other ones are "way too hard".

Ben has really gotten good at the electric guitar. Every day after school, I'm lucky if I get a "Hi, Mom" before he's in the basement jamming away. He talked us all into performing at the Ward chili cook-off/talent show last month. He really wanted to play My Own Worst Enemy by Lit, but the lyrics weren't appropriate for a church event. Actually they aren't appropriate for any event, so we re-wrote them and called it I Really Want Some Chili. Barr played the drums, Brigham learned the bass part, and us girls tried to sing. The audience went wild when Ben dropped to his knees for his guitar solo. He was disappointed that during the performance he broke a string causing him to miss several notes, but we tried to assure him that no one even noticed and he still sounded great.


Here's a link to a video of the inaugural performance of "Ham & Eggs"



He doesn't have a love for dancing or at least not one that he would admit. I strongly encouraged (he would say forced) him to sign up for Dance Club at the middle school. It consisted of 4 evening dance sessions and then a final luncheon and dance where you could show off your skills. He would come home from each one saying it was torture. They made them dance with girls! We tried to convince him that in a few years he would love that opportunity, but I guess I should be happy he's not into that yet. A friend of mine posted a video she took at the dance on youtube. You can check it out at
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1172608227&v=feed&story_fbid=1152404608280#/video/?of=1172608227


Unfortunately our Spring Break was really early this year so it didn't coincide with any of our out-of-town friends or family. And with Barr conducting a traing all week at work we decided to just stay around here. We took advantage of the one nice weather day and spent it at the zoo. The other days we did exciting things like eye doctor and dentist appointments. We did make it to the movies and bowling and a few friend play dates. It was good that we didn't have any really big plans because Brigham was still getting over a week-long flu and had passed it to Brooke who had a fever for 5 straight days. At least Brigham had that week to do all of his make-up work from the school week before and I had Brittany home to help me with Brooke. I needed it with her screaming constantly. It's hard to be sick, but sometimes I think it's harder on those who aren't sick! The only time she wasn't yelling was when she was watching her favorite home video she calls "John" after her Uncle John. Too bad the part she likes is only about 12 minutes so our relief was always brief. All day long she would say "more John". (She is actually standing beside me right now whining "more John" over and over again. Although now she adds "Why?" to it when I don't respond.) We still don't understand her fascination with that video taken 6 years ago, but I'm not exaggerating when I say she has watched it hundreds of times.

at the zoo with our friends, the Griffiths


We were able to go to Cincinnati for Easter and be with 3 of my sisters and their families. Brooke was in heaven seeing so many cousins she "talks" about everyday. Her favorite people are the uncles and unfortunately Uncle Colby was finishing his final BYU classes and preparing for a skills competition with his BYU ROTC team at West Point so couldn't be there. Uncle Mike wasn't flying in until Saturday night. Uncle John was visiting my brother Grant's family in Washington DC, and Uncle Rick had to work most of the weekend. We joked to Barr that this is what polygamy would be like. He said he wasn't up for that! We did the annual egg hunt on Saturday morning and then spent the afternoon at the Red's game. Barr was making fun of me when I had told him they would be playing the New England Patriots. Patriots, Pirates, what's the difference? He knew long before he married me I wasn't a sports fan. Sunday morning the bunny came leaving a scavenger hunt of clues for the kids to find their baskets. Aunt Heather did a little too good of a job hiding special eggs around the yard with money in them. Even the adults were digging through mulch, reaching in prickly bushes, and climbing trees (OK maybe we didn't go that far) hoping to spot one. Aunt Marcia was the lucky finder of the $10 egg in the wood pile. Sometimes you have to be willing to get a little dirty!

Brooke is still terrified of the Easter Bunny so is making sure he's not around!






To be fair, I should probably say something about Brigham. All that comes to mind is the image of him pretending to be shooting things. Everything becomes a gun to him and everything is a target. We were playing Guesstures last night and the rest of the evening he carried the game's timing board around blowing up the house with it. Every car ride becomes a reinactment of World War II with the constant sound of machine guns going off from the back seat. His favorite gift from the Easter bunny was a new pistol that shoots blanks. I don't think the bunny knew how loud it was!

While Brigham is busy defending us from bad guys, Brittany is helping in other ways. When I was in the hospital, she kept a list of the names of everyone that helped our family and exactly what they brought over. When I was well enough to make it to the kitchen, she handed me the list and said it was so I would know who to write thank-you notes to. Of course she also made everyone cards complete with pictures of the things they brought. What would I do without her!

Brooke is starting to put 3 words together. Some of her common sentences are "More pizza please" (you can substitute pizza with cereal, cheese, or pretzels), "Bye Daddy work", "Mamma's house yea", and "hot bath Mitmey (Brittany)". Her ability to communicate is getting better all the time. But so are her preferences and wants and probably at a faster pace! When she's feeling really confident, she will walk up the stairs unassisted just using the railing, and she's even gone down a few times walking, not scooting. She's also running and side galloping and still making people smile everywhere she goes.













A teary goodbye to Max who is now happily living and barking with a retired couple













I should have given the balloon lady a bigger tip!

Taking care of Brittany's class pets for the weekend

Planting sunflower seeds at the Scotts spring family activity

After Brittany's choir performance at school

A very hard week

This normally isn't something I would put as a blog entry, but there are enough of you that I want to tell that I felt this was the easiest way to do it. Plus, I feel like I need to write about it while it's fresh in my mind. I'll try not to make it too graphic, but I do want to tell it as it was.

Tuesday afternoon I went in for my normal 12-week doctor apt. assuming everything was fine. She was unable to find the heartbeat but assured me that sometimes happens and we should just go to ultrasound and have a look. Unfortunately the ultrasound showed that the baby had died several weeks ago. Of course that was something I wasn't prepared to hear. She explained my options of continuing to wait and see if my body will recognize what happened and take care of it on it's own, getting a prescription to speed that process along, or scheduling to have a D and C. With Brooke crying for more fruit snacks and to go home and with me crying I couldn't think straight so just went home to decide. I think I really didn't believe it since I still felt and looked so pregnant. And life just continues: kids have activities, therapists still come, dinner has to be made. When something like this happens, you think life should just stop, but it doesn't.

I decided Wednesday night to take the medicine to start the cramping and the whole process along, thinking that taking care of it at home would be the easiest thing. The bleeding started about 2:00 in the morning. For the first several hours I could handle it and still felt alright. Barr is such a good sleeper that he was unaware of what was going on. He left to go swim at 5:00, but I was in the bathroom so didn't know. By 5:30 I had taken a turn for the worse. I had lost so much blood that I was getting really weak. I would break into sweats and be drenched in minutes to then get the chills. I was too dizzy to stand and making it to the bathroom and back was one of the hardest things I've done. When Ben came in I asked him to try and call Barr to come home. Sweet Ben left 11 messages on Barr's phone! Either he didn't realize it was turned off, or was just in too much of a panic to know what else to do.

The next several hours are kind of a blur. I was too weak to move, not even being able to lift my head or an arm, but knew that every 30 minutes or so I had to get to the bathroom, I was just passing way too much blood and clots. Barr would carry me there, but sitting on the toilet would make me pass out. What a trooper to hold my body up with one arm so that I wouldn't fall on the floor, and do what he had to do with the other. I won't get too gross here, but I will say I am so grateful for a strong man physically that can hold me up so well and one that loves me enough to help me through this! He would then carry me back to bed where a few minutes later I would come to. He was getting scared after about the 6th time of watching my eyes roll to the back of my head and me going into convulsions before going limp. A few times he said I stopped breathing and would be completely white. He called my doctor who said to go to the ER. He didn't know how he was going to get me down the stairs and the thought of trying to sit in a car seemed impossible to me so he called 911 for an ambulance. It's too bad the kids were at school and missed the excitement! Barr picked up Brooke early and a wonderful friend from church, Teri Robertson, came to our home to stay with her. Brooke is still very scared of going to other people's homes or being around people she's not used to, but Teri plays with her every Sunday in nursery so Brooke was fine.

When the paramedics came they took my vitals and when they said something about blood pressure being 70 something over 40, they seemed to get a little anxious. They made two unsuccessful attempts at starting an IV with me in bed (I thank my grandmother for my weak veins) so just decided to get me into the ambulance. A firetruck brought some type of chair in to get me down the steps. I wish I had had enough energy to laugh because one of the paramedics kept calling me "nice lady". He would say, "Nice lady, now we're going to move you to the stretcher. Nice lady, now you're going to feel a sting. Nice lady, can you tell me your birthday?" etc...Barr followed us to the hospital where they spent the next few hours running tests, giving me lots of fluids and a blood transfusion. They finally decided that part of the placenta was still attached to the uterus wall and would require a D and C to remove it. Once it was all clean, the uterus should start to heal and the bleeding should slow.

The surgery was the easiest part of the whole process. Looking back, I should have just had that done from the beginning, but who knew? I was just so glad that my head didn't feel like I was in a tornado anymore and I was able to move again. It wasn't until the post-op nurse took my hand and told me she was sorry for our loss that the emotional part of the experience hit me. I was finally done with the physical pain and was able to feel the emotional loss. We are home now and healing well.

On Tuesday and Wednesday Brooke kept saying, "Mommy sad Baby died" and would run her finger down her cheek. She doesn't understand that there was a baby nor does she know what "died" means, but she knows that I don't cry very often. Now she keeps repeating "Mommy sick" over and over again. I'm sure she'll soon be able to say, "Mommy happy" and in the future, "Mommy baby" again.

We feel very loved with the emails, phone call, prayers, and food that has been shared with us. Thank you for your love and support.